Saturday, December 3, 2016

Today, on "Literally Hitler"

Yesterday the Internet coughed me up this gem:

This reminds me: a few days after the election, there were still some people on campus being quietly butt-hurt. The university I attend is nothing like Berkeley or Brandeis or even UT Austin. This is a suburban commuter school in Dallas, comprised of 60% Asian immigrants majoring in computer science or engineering and studying 17 hours a day. They don't have time for social justice because either they or their parents were smuggled into the country up an elephant's ass. So there were no protests. I doubt most of them even noticed there was an election.

But I'm one of the few, the proud, the destined to be poor: the Humanities majors. This is where all the butt-hurt white people congregate. So I'm in class, someone in casual banter mentions "The Wall" and I mumble something like:

"It worked in Israel."

And some chick says, very snarkily, "It worked in Germany, too."

Damn, girl. Gonna give me some aloe for that burn?

At that moment the professor began speaking, and I NEVER speak when the professor speaks because only dicks do that.

But here is what I wanted to say:

"Hmmm... that's an interesting analogy, because it's terrible. The Berlin Wall kept CITIZENS IN, not ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS OUT. Basically the only thing these two things have in common is they are both walls. In every other way they are totally opposite from each other. How dreadful it must be to have to face the world every day with your insufficient brain."

But it's obvious where the poor girl was getting her bad information: tha Internetz. Look at this stupid picture.

First of all, the Nazis. Did the Nazis build a wall? Am I that dumb about history? Let me google that shit.

Oh my God, there WAS A NAZI WALL! It was called the Atlantic Wall and Hitler drafted French people (in your face, France!) to build it in 1942. It was a fortification for defense during wartime and the Allies destroyed it in like two hours. (USA! USA!) So this had nothing to do with immigration and, once again, the only thing the walls have in common is they are walls.

Communist East Germany built the Berlin Wall in 1961. They restricted the movement of East Germans and would shoot anyone who tried to escape. Maybe I missed this speech -- like I missed all his racist, misogynist, homophobic speeches -- but I have personally never heard Donald Trump suggest that U.S. citizens attempting to go to Mexico are to be shot. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Why is the wall a good idea for America? For the same reason it's a good idea for Israel. We are importing terrorists.

Actually, we are importing pretty much the entire third world, handing them welfare, and pretending like the crimes they commit are not happening. For more on illegal immigrants, welfare, and crime, see Ann Coulter's incredible book, Adios America!

For now I would like to talk about culture.

The neighborhood I live in is basically Mexico. I'm not trying to argue that Mexico is inherently bad. I am trying to argue that I would like to live in America, please.

Here is the paradox of multiculturalism: all cultures are supposedly equal, right? None is better than the other. If this is true, why is their culture so beautiful and valid that they get to take it with them wherever they go, and mine is such pure shit that I'm not even allowed to have it right here where it was born and flourished?

If multiculturalism is the answer, how do we decide which culture wins? Aren't we supposed to hate Anglos for obliterating Native American culture with their own? And if so, why is it fine when Mexico does it to us?

I know the idea is a "melting pot," but some cultures are incompatible. For example, my culture does not celebrate the weekend by drinking beer in the front yard with no shirt on while listening to the car stereo turned up to full blast. In my culture, I have to go to bed at eleven p.m. on a Friday because I work at eight a.m. on Saturday, but I can't sleep because my walls are shaking from accordion music.

Sometimes I wake up at four a.m. because a rooster is crowing. I live half a mile from the downtown square of an affluent suburb, and I get woken up by roosters.

Most of my neighbors are illegal immigrants. I see them going in and out of the immigration lawyer's office, which is three doors down from me. Most of the businesses on my street have Spanish signage. You can't go faster than 25 miles per hour, because that is the fastest that Mexicans can drive. I don't know why this is. Does anyone know? It's a mystery.

My culture is in English. My culture drives at least five miles over the speed limit, listens to music inside the house, and does not rooster within city limits. My culture also does not litter like it's the Hot New Thing. Central and South Americans litter their asses off. Look it up. It's a huge problem there, and illegal immigrant litterbugs are destroying our National Parks with garbage, when they are not setting them on fire.

There is so much littering on my street that trash blows into my yard. Nothing says America like finding someone else's Pollo Regio wrapper on your front porch.

I fully understand that everything I just said is evil xenophobic hate speech. But I would like to know why. If all cultures are created equal, why is their culture so beautiful and important that it gets to overlap mine?

Is American culture only for the rich now? I thought elitism was wrong and bad. Does the fact that I am poor mean I am not allowed to live in America?


  1. Rene Girard said to be careful who you choose as your enemy, because you'll eventually become like them. As cliche as it sounds, maybe you're so focused on answering liberals and progressives that you can't see the common sense beyond the vastly more cliched terrain of political polemics.

    I mean, littering and loud music and rooster noise? How is writing a blog comparing these grave offenses to the colonization of America any less wacky-out-of-proportion than the SJW special snowflake tears you love to lambast? It's hardly an example of the stoic, imperturbable spirit of your own cultural heritage, in any case.

    Yeah, no one has to like every other culture. That would be asking a bit much of human nature. But so is thinking that most of the people around you should change so that you can have your druthers. And yes, there are prevalent stripes of liberalism turning people's brains to roadkill dumpster juice. That's what ideologies of every kind, including neoconservatism, do--turn people into hardened maroons. Your points here, for example, are not much brighter than the internet meme.

    "None is better than the other. If this is true, why is their culture so beautiful and valid that they get to take it with them wherever they go, and mine is such pure shit that I'm not even allowed to have it right here where it was born and flourished?"

    Huh? Neighborhood "cultures" just reflect the people who live there. If mostly Mexican people live in an area, it's going to look like Mexican people live there, regardless of how beautiful or ugly or inconvenient anyone says it is. It has nothing to do multiculturalism. It's just common sense. Especially in a country that has never stopped being largely composed of immigrants. (Again, talking facts, not "should"/ideological statements). I mean, you're complaining about Spanish signs in a small nook of an area that used to be Mexico. How does a smart person like yourself have such a difficult time accepting that?

    SJW's are dumb--I'm right there with you. But so is (Dear Lord, does it need to be said?) Anne Coulter.

    Anne Coulter, for fuck's sake.