Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Chick 'n Dumps: Comfort Food For The Poor & Lazy

This is not my chick 'n dumps. I swiped this from the Internet. But mine look kinda like that.

This is a recipe for chicken 'n dumplins. It is delicious. But before I get there, a story:

I work at a live music venue. It's a relaxed atmosphere, and one of the many benefits of that (besides the fact that on most days I could literally wear pajamas to work) is that I can bring my dog, George, to the office with me.

George is 10-month-old pure bred field line English springer spaniel. He is adorable, affectionate, eager to please, friendly as hell, and possesses every other wonderful attribute of the breed. He also has more energy than Honey Boo Boo on go-go juice. All the time.

I'm getting to the recipe. Hang in there. 

Although I am morally opposed, as a human, to picking up the shit of animals, I do pick up his shit at work. Because I don't want to take advantage of my very understanding boss by allowing my dog to festoon the premises with his turds. So I keep a stash of plastic Wal-Mart bags in my truck, and I pick up shit with them. 

Well. Yesterday was a Monday. I arrived at work to several emails and lots of tasks that needed to be done, one after the other. Finally, at about 1:00, I had a moment to breathe, and I took George out to run and play.

I was sitting on a picnic table, texting my husband about something, when George ran up to me. He had been out of my line of sight for about thirty seconds. I assumed he was engaging in one of his favorite pasttimes, such as smelling things, or pissing on the entire world.

Anyway George ran up to me and I glanced down at him, sitting there looking like the most content being on the planet, huge smile on his face, tongue lolling, eyes half-closed, just smiling up at me with utter delight and peacefulness.

He was covered in shit.

Apparently I missed a crucial patch of semi-liquid feces. It was the color of most cars from the 1970s, and it was all. the fuck. over him.

My work day ended suddenly. I had to leash my stool-covered dog to something, go inside and email my boss ("George rolled around in his own shit," went my email. "Aren't kids great!" was his reply) and call my coworker to ask if he would bring me some towels from backstage.

I wiped off George with some wet wipes I keep in my truck, to get the worst off. When the savior with the towel rolled up on a golf cart, I was trying to take a dog-shaming photo of George. It didn't work. He was not smart enough to be ashamed. He was smiling in all the pictures.


George likes to move around a lot while riding in the truck. But I only had one small towel, and I was more determined that he was going to stay on that towel than I have ever been about anything. I think the ear drum-piercing volume of my screams convinced him to not move. 

It took two shampoos to un-shit the dog, at which point I needed a shower. Once all that was done, you know what I wanted? Comfort food.

Chicken 'n dumplins, yo.

I found this recipe online somewhere but I can't remember where so I can't give credit for it. Anyway it'll be more fun to read it here.

The below recipe is for a single batch. I doubled it last night and holy shit it made a lot of chick 'n dumps. But I had to use two pots at one point. Shit got messy. But I prevailed.

A note: this is not a healthy recipe. It is literally bursting with flour. It is a glutinous mass of carbs.

Seeing as how it's incredibly unhealthy, it is also (duh) super cheap. I estimate the whole pot cost about $8 - 10 and fed four people two to four meals each.


Chronicles of Radness Chick 'n Dumps

Ingrediments (not a typo)

3 or 4 boneless skinless chicken jugs (I hate the word breasts)
1 can Pillsbury Grands biscuits
Some flour (Like a cup maybe?)
Some milk (Half a cup, I guess? What am I, a scientist?)
1/2 to a whole stick of butter
Basil, thyme, parsley flakes, salt and pepper


Take your chicken hooters and rinse the chicken slime off them and put them in a big ass pot. Cover with water by a couple inches and add some spices. Don't get all technical about how much. Just put that shizzz in there, and boil them jugs until they are done all the way through.

While your chicken cans are cooking, pop open a can of Pillsbury biscuits (you can use whatever but I like buttermilk Grands). Take each biscuit, flatten it a little in your hands, and tear it into 6 or 8 pieces. Dip each piece in flour just to coat.

Take your chicken jugs out of the water and put em on a plate.

Put your floured biscuits in the chicken water.Turn the boil down to about half.

Meanwhile shred or cut up your chicken, whatever you prefer.

Once your dumps aren't doughy in the middle anymore (about 15 minutes?) put the shredded chick in with the dumps.

Now the recipe calls for a can of cream of chicken soup but I didn't have any so I just took some of the liquid out of the pot and whisked it in a bowl with some flour and milk and a little butter. Then I put it back in the pot (and added the rest of a stick of butter because BUTTER). It thickened up and gave a nice flavor without the MSG grossness of the canned crap.

(Add more flour if you want it thicker, but keep in mind it sets further overnight so the next day it will be even thicker.)

Usually I add a bit more spices at this point. To me it's good with lots of pepper.

Let it all simmer for about 15 minutes. Then eat it.

This is more of a gravy chick 'n dumps than a soupy one. It comes out hearty and rich and with that belly-warming comfort food goodness.

Total Time: 45 - 60 minutes
Hands-On: 15 - 20

1 comment:

  1. Hahaha! Aren't dogs just the best! Springers have no shame lol.