Friday, February 21, 2014


Guns have been on my mind a lot lately.

Not in a "lovingly stroking my Glock while rocking back and forth" way, but in a "why the fuck is everybody so freaked out about guns?" way.

I made some lovely new Facebook friends from other countries recently, and upon gleaning from my social media presence that I am pro-gun, they demanded to know WHY we feel like we need guns in America? WHY do we have a gun culture? Don't we understand that VIOLENCE is BAAAAD?

It's hard to be eloquent in a Facebook comment because you're usually in a hurry, on your phone, and/or doing other stuff.

So I thought I would write a post, for those of you who care, about why I feel the way I do about guns.
Let's start with defining what my position is vis a vis firearms.

Everyone knows black guns are more dangerous. It's science!

I believe in open carry and what's called "constitutional carry." Now please understand, I don't believe the Constitution is my concealed handgun license; I believe I don't need a concealed handgun license, whether it's the Constitution or the laminated card I have in my wallet right now, which I paid lots of money and got fingerprinted and background checked by the FBI to get, and in which my hair is sticking straight up in front and I have crazy eyes and look like a radicalized white jihadist.

I believe the only "license" I need to carry a gun is the fact that I am a free human being.

Self-defense is not a right granted by a document. It is a natural right, a moral right that we are born with simply because we are born. Whether you think it's a good idea or not is immaterial to me.

There is no argument for allowing the government to own weapons that does not apply to me and you as well.

People who fear gun owners are either misguided or just stupid. And the people of countries where owning a weapon is a crime are not free people, but subjects. They have allowed their government to strip them of their liberty. A people denied the right to self-defense is not a free people.

If you think gun control is good for citizens, you don't read history.

In my experience, Australians and New Zealanders seem the most dismayed by American gun ownership, with those from the UK a close second. They like to point out that they live in a gun-free country (not true) where violence barely ever happens (also not true).

Even if it were true, it wouldn't matter to me in the slightest.

Let me explain why.

America is a gun culture in part because our war for independence was fought with guns. Why? Well, because our foes had guns. So we used guns. We would have been dipshits if we'd marched to battle against King George's men with sticks and stones.

The whole point of the existence of this country was liberty, religious and otherwise. Now was it perfect? No, nor is it today. Slavery existed, as did a lack of freedom for women, and more. But these things were not unique to America. They were (and still are) universal problems.

So they didn't get it exactly right, but they got it more right than anybody had ever gotten it before. Ever. I think they deserve a little bit of fucking credit for that.

The Second Amendment exists because the framers knew firsthand the danger faced by a populace that must defend itself against tyranny. And they were right.

We are seeing today what happens when a powerful, centralized federal government has wrested power from the states and decided to do what it pleases. Our president just declared in his State of the Union address that he would act without legislation where he sees fit. Did the people boo and hiss and call for impeachment? Of course not. They applauded. Thunderously.

Do most people agree with President Obama's agenda? Probably not. But even if they did, the tyranny of a majority is still tyranny.

Over the past several years we have seen the federal government spying on and even killing American citizens without due process. And although we were somehow able to fly safely for decades without it, we now have the TSA, who actually X-rays us and looks at our naked bodies before we fly.

I am treated like a convicted heroin smuggler for the "crime" of attempting to get on an airplane.

The TSA has stolen many thousands of dollars worth of money and property that we know of, but to date, they have not yet caught a single terrorist.

The TSA: keeping your junk free of terrorism since 2001.

And it's the same problem with the anti-gun mentality. We are treated like criminals because we want to own a gun. Owning a gun is not a crime, nor is getting on an airplane. So why must I be treated like a convict before doing these things? Fingerprinted, X-rayed, background checked, my belongings pawed through, my life scrutinized, a waiting period?


Let me try one more time to explain why gun laws are completely pointless. (Deep breath.)

Murder, attempted murder, assault with a deadly weapon, armed robbery, and other crimes that can be committed with a gun are already illegal. The criminal who intends to commit them is not deterred by illegality. It is ridiculous to assume that an extra (and comparatively minor) illegality - possessing the weapon - will act as a deterrent.

"Well, but anything that makes guns harder to get is a good thing! Then they won't have the opportunity!"


All you do when you make guns "harder to get" is make them harder to get legally. They are just as easy to get any other way. (And by the by, "any other way" is probably the preferred method for people who intend to shoot someone.) The only people you're punishing are people like me, who sincerely hope to never shoot anybody, ever.

"Guns are used in homicides more than every other type of weapon!" you are screeching at your monitor. And you are right - which is exactly why I carry a gun every day, and not a rape whistle or a strongly worded pamphlet.

If f you could press a magic button and make every gun on earth disappear, you still wouldn't have a point. Because my husband or somebody else's husband (but probably my husband) would be in the garage reinventing the gun that night.

You can't uninvent the gun. And because you can't, criminals will always - always, always, always, no matter what you do - get guns.

And because criminals will always have them, I will always have them. Cold dead hands and all that.

Welcome to New York City, Chicago, Washington D.C., and your local public schools.

Your fear of guns is not my problem. I know you really want me to feel like it is, but it just isn't. Your fear is misguided. You have far more to fear from a government that wants to disarm you than from people like me.

Rationally, now, who should you trust more: someone handing you a gun, or someone taking it away from you? In that scenario, who is your friend and who is your enemy?

I am encouraging you to be armed. The government wants to disarm you. And you idiots trust the government and not me.

Then there's the thing I probably hear most often, especially from women:

"But what about the chiiiiildreeeen?"

Stop. Just stop. Stop propping up your irrational and hysterical attempt to deprive me of my God-given liberty on the bodies of dead children. It's disgusting and I'm fucking sick of it.

You people think you can shut down argument and make me stammer and blush and hate myself deep inside with the magic words of "Sandy Hook."

Give me a fucking break.

Guess what? Sandy Hook did not happen because people like me own guns. It happened because idiots like you believe that SIGNS are MAGIC! You have pawned off the grave responsibility of protecting children onto a fucking SIGN.

Did Gandalf cast a spell on your "Gun-Free Zone" poster making it impossible to carry a gun past it? No? Then guess what? IT'S FUCKING USELESS.

"We send our children to school and expect them to be safe!" whine idiotic women everywhere. To which I reply:

WHY?! WHY do you expect them to be safe? Because of the SIGNS? Are you out of your fucking mind? Do you really think the words "Gun-Free Zone" create a magical force field around your children? Stop watching "The View" for a second and fucking THINK.

The only thing that stops a human being with a gun is a better-trained human being with a gun. (And sometimes Jackie Chan, but that's another blog.) Stop putting your children in the care of unarmed, untrained people surrounded by non-magical signs. Allowing faculty (and, on college campuses, students) with concealed handgun licenses to carry on school property is probably an excellent idea.

(An even better idea is to keep your kids at home with you and actually teach them shit they need to know, as opposed to the indoctrination they get in public schools.)

It is already illegal for someone to go into a school and shoot children. Trust me: someone who has no problem shooting children is not going to be put off by a sign. But you know what they MIGHT be put off by? Knowing that inside that school, the children are being guarded by men and women with guns.

Shootings happen in "Gun-Free Zones" for a reason. Think about it for thirty seconds and you'll figure it out.

"Look, children! Victims!" 

The stigma against gun owners is prejudicial and based on sheer bigotry and hysteria. I was told on Facebook recently that gun owners are "trigger happy and dangerous." I asked the poster how many gun owners she knew personally, and of course, got no answer.

So, anti-gun people find me distasteful. I am "creepy." I am "dangerous." So be it.

I promise to overlook that if we're ever in an active shooter situation together. I'm no crackerjack shot or tactical guru, but I do try. And if we're shopping at Old Navy and some asshole opens fire, I will go ahead and risk my life to save yours even though you think I am off-putting and weird and potentially violent.

Because the truth is: I am potentially violent. I have the potential right here to end a human life with a single pull of my finger. I have the ovaries to accept that HUGE responsibility. I don't skip out my door in the morning going "fiddle-dee-dee" and expecting the police (pause for laugh) or some imaginary "other" to protect me.

I'm an adult, and I walk out the door with a weapon, knowing my life is my own responsibility, and knowing that I might at any time be called upon to defend it, or defend the lives of people who can't be bothered - or are too frightened - to defend themselves.

The difference between gun control advocates and people like me is: I am not asking them for anything. Own a gun, don't own a gun. I couldn't care less.

What they ask from me is nothing less than surrendering my liberty.

And to that I say:

Cold, dead hands, motherfuckers. Cold, dead hands.


  1. goddammit i had a really good joke there somewhere around the "re-inventing the gun" bit and then i lost the whole fucking thing. kept thinking "i'll scroll back up when i'm done and it will hit me." but no. no good fucking joke. well, shoot.

    ha! no...that wasn't it...

    sigh. off to cuddle my zero profile j-frame before bed. (not a euphemism.)

    kisses and cold, dead hands,
    once had a family member ask her, "aren't you a know...'skittish' to be owning a gun?" and is fairly positive her reply had something to do with the fuck word.

    1. ooh i want a j-frame!

      p.s. you're the utter shit.

  2. This is just a request from someone who enjoys your articles and nothing more. Don't feel pressured. That being said, please write more about guns. Not only are you hilarious, you seem to know your shit which is refreshing. And/Or maybe share your sources, such as the "England not having guns and not having violence" not being true. Because I've found myself in these famed gun arguments. Like, I know what is being said to me is bullshit parroted from "The Daily Show" or some other shit, but I don't know how to defend myself without also becoming a parrot. Like my brain is screaming "Dammit, I just know your wrong but how do I prove it??" My main resource is being raised around guns, hunting since I was 12 and learning from that "Hey, guns really aren't that big of a deal!" I guess I just don't trust myself in these situations. I, too, would like to know my shit. So, help a brother out?

  3. There is nothing in this blog post that I disagree with. The interesting thing is that I came across this post by having found your post on the DDPYoga, then saw "guns" and went "fuck yeah"!

    How is that DDPYoga working out, btw? Keeping up with it?