Friday, June 7, 2013

Hey, Americans: Be More American! (A Rant)

This bald eagle's expression captures everything I am trying to convey with this blog post. You really don't even need to read it now.
WARNING: This is probably the most profanity-drenched, insulting, and offensive blog post I've ever published. It was written in a paroxysm of anger, which I have since cured with a couple rounds of hot marital sex and about nine episodes of "Arrested Development."

THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING: Especially women! If you have thin skin, or if you think the f word makes the baby Jesus cry, seriously just click away now. If you don't, and you get butt-hurt, your complaints will fall on deaf ears. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

1. I am bummed right now. Maybe clinically bummed.

2. You see, while I wasn't looking, someone replaced the United States of America with the United Dripping Twat Soccer Moms and Fucking Pansy Ass Shitheads of America.

3. Let's start with the lay-dayz. Oh, you bitches. I try to stand up for you. I spend a lot of time trying to convince the world at large that we are not a bunch of dipshits. But you make it really, really fucking hard.

4. Most of the ladies I'm addressing - the dumb-shit ones - are single and young, but some of you are married and old enough to know better. If you're single and young, I get it. I was a dumb-shit once, too. You believe dumb-shit rhetoric about the "War on Women." You think it's demeaning for a woman to be cared for by a husband (as virtually all women were from roughly forever until a few years ago) but you don't find it demeaning to be cared for by the gub'mint. You've replaced Rosie the Riveter's "We can do it!" with Sandra Fluke's "Give me free birth control!"

5. But some of you are married and have kids and you're almost worse. You spend all day saying or thinking or posting something along the lines of, "WHAT ABOUT THE CHILLLLDDREEENN?" You know what? SOMETIMES THE CHILDREN ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU. When I was growing up, we played with toy guns and we shot real guns with our granddaddies and we cavorted on playgrounds made out of corrugated steel and we bounced around in cars without seatbelts and we never ever fucking ever used hand sanitizer. And you know what? We're fucking fine. 

6. But today's kids are growing up to be boring little pansies with Twitter feeds. News flash, mothers: your kid is going to have to grow up in a world that does not always sanitize its hands. And before you start mouthing about the magic of childhood and how you have to preserve that, I'd like to suggest that we had better childhoods shooting toy guns, playing in refrigerator boxes in the garage, watching non-educational television, being sometimes told to shut up and go somewhere else, and enjoying about six hours a day of relieving our own boredom than your kid does with his play dates, structured play - whatever the fuck that is - Baby Einstein DVDs, and cruelty-free, toy-weapons-free, diversity-enhanced, gender-neutral brave new world of a "childhood." Are you a mother or a facilitator? Or maybe a taxi service? Is your kid in eight extracurricular activities? Do you exist to take your kids places and buy them things? Then you SUCK. You SUCK. You are creating a generation of ASSHOLES.

7. Here's a thought: maybe sometime this year, when you're done with this season of "Downton Abbey" and you've finally pinned every last fucking DIY body scrub pin on Pinterest and put your special snowflake to bed on his Tempurpedic mattress with his iPhone 5, perhaps you could get around to making a decision based on history, facts, logic, or some other basis besides pure, stupid, dripping-twat emotion.

8. Seriously, do you literally let your vagina vote for you? Do you go into the voting booth and just drop your vag onto the screen?

9. Luckily, there are also plenty of stupid men. Take, for example, the fucking retarded push for more gun control in the wake of the Sandy Hook shooting. Spearheaded by hysterical snatches such as Piers Morgan, women of both genders saturated the media with ridiculous, unfounded vagina monologues about how big, black, scary, and bad guns are. Great American statesman and thinker Vince Neil of Motley Crue was one of many celebrities who tweeted "FUCK YOU" to all of us who "put guns before children." The problem isn't our culture or our lack of moral fiber (see the "Arrested Development" episode about the Ten Commandments) or broken families or the welfare state or mental illness or a sensationalist media or parents who've replaced driving kids around with raising them. No. The problem is guns. Guns guns guns guns guns fucking guns. And if you don't believe that you hate all children and want them to die and therefore you fucking deserve to die, you cold-hearted piece of shit. (Think I'm exaggerating? Google "Stephen King + guns" or "Jim Carrey + guns.")

10. This is the kind of mindless, purely emotional bullshit that passes for thought among about half of Americans and makes the rest of us want to rip out our hair and run into the street screaming. It completely disregards all evidence, common sense, and critical thought. It is pure emotion. It is a nation of vaginas screaming to be heard.

11. I'm running out of constructive ways to express and direct my anger, frustration, and overall bewilderment at what's happening to this country. Facebook just makes me angrier, because of the Facebook stand-off. You know what I'm talkin': the tolerance war with all the friends who disagree with you. You don't want to delete their dumb asses and reinforce the stereotype that conservatives can't handle other people's opinions, and they can't delete you and reinforce your theory that liberals aren't sweet and lovable beacons of good will, like Care Bears, but with ironic beards.

12. Meanwhile we've all forgotten that the whole point of Facebook is to connect and interact with FRIENDS. Not people you've never or barely met who only interact with you to tell you how wrongity-wrong-wrong you are. I am pretty sure I'm not a malignant narcissist who can't handle it when people disagree. It's just, there are certain people who only disagree. Why are we "friends?" Facebook is not America. We don't have to coexist.

13. So we just keep putting up with each other. And it's dumb. But nobody wants to be the asshole.

14. Anyway. Back to my original point. We need to do something. I know it's important to spread the word, to educate, and social media is a great way to do that. But we have to do more. (Believe me, I'm aware of the irony that this is a blog post about getting off the Internet and doing stuff.) Is tyranny going to be brought down by Facebook? I just... don't think so. Maybe I'm wrong. But I think it's going to take action.

15. So what should that action be? What can we do? I'm not totally sure, exactly. I mean, you can write and call your representatives. I guess that matters? You can join protests if you're into that.

16. Here's the problem: we're relying on the government to control itself. Seriously. That's what we're doing. We're waiting for somebody from within to magically fix everything. You guys, Ted Cruz is awesome and shit, but he's not Benjamin Franklin riding a Pegasus and emanating Truth from his butthole. He's just a Senator. And how often do they live up to the hype?

17. What if the colonists had just sat around in their comfortable houses watching "Celebrity Apprentice" and waiting for King George to be held accountable by his own government? We'd be eating crisps in front of the telly. We wouldn't have the Bill of Rights. We wouldn't have the Second Amendment. We'd have Parliament, and an economy based entirely on Posh Spice.

18. The most important thing we can do is exercise the freedoms we believe in. The Second Amendment is the freedom that ensures, in a worst case scenario, that we get to keep all the others. I'm starting to understand the concept that every citizen should be a soldier, because if you're not a soldier, you're a subject.

19. To that end, I've recently embarked on my personal odyssey of becoming more comfortable with rifles. It's my little way of becoming more self-sufficient, another baby step towards citizen soldier-hood. Rifles are effective, fun to shoot, and best of all, every time you fire a big scary black "assault rifle," Dianne Feinstein gets an ingrown pube.

20. Okay, that was funny, but I don't want to leave you with that visual.

21. So here's a better one: George Washington wearing a Reagan/Bush '84 T-shirt and riding a giant bald eagle over the Grand Canyon while firing a Thompson submachine gun into the air and singing "America the Beautiful."

22. You're welcome.


  1. I have never loved anything as much as I love this.

  2. Why thank you, Haley! Please check back often more swear words and pube imagery.