Thursday, May 9, 2013

You Can't Kidnap Me For Ten Years

Amen, sister.

This is going to piss a few people off. That's okay. I have to say it.

First: I feel nothing but sympathy for Amanda Berry and her daughter, who by the way is really cute, and Gina DeJesus and Michelle Knight. On the real, I am stoked beyond telling that they escaped from that bastard's house with their lives.

Ariel Castro is a sick, sick fuck who deserves to be raped for ten years and then drowned in a toilet. According to Michelle Knight, he got her pregnant five times, and beat her until she miscarried five times. Ariel Castro deserves the death penalty.

I'm already hearing his piece of shit brothers aren't being charged because there is insufficient evidence... but meanwhile they picked up one of the brothers at McDonald's BUYING FOOD FOR THE CAPTIVES. What the fuck, over? How can it even be determined what evidence they have or don't have within a few days of the rescue?

It's a bit fishy to me.

Anyway, like I was saying, I have sympathy for those women and that little girl. I'm so happy they're safe and they deserve lots of hugs and love and chocolate and bubble baths for the next ten years at least.

But you can't kidnap me for ten years.

You can say whatever you want about the psychology of captivity and abuse. You can quote me studies and textbooks and shit you read once all the live-long day. I'm just telling you:

You can't kidnap me for ten years.

Yes, I know he kept them chained up. I know he kept them locked in the basement. I know he would pretend to leave and beat them if they tried to escape. I know all that.

You still can't kidnap me for ten years.

For one thing, there were three of them and one of him, and we know that at least a few times they were all unchained at the same time. We know he stopped locking them in the basement and started letting them live upstairs. That's the kind of mistake someone like me would take advantage of.

Three women against one fat dude? I could organize two other chicks, you bet your ass. Even scared chicks. "You, slam the door on his hand. You, put the bag over his head. Don't worry, I'll do the stabbing."

"Oh come on, Kristen!" you're squealing at your monitor. "You don't know what it was like! You don't know how he kept them or what he did to them! You can't say you'd have done any better!"

All I have to say in reply is: TEN. YEARS.

Ariel Castro is not a genius. In ten years, Ariel Castro slipped up probably hundreds of times. I would have been ready.

There is a reason people like me don't get kidnapped. I would immediately strike a potential kidnapper as not worth the trouble. It would take about 30 seconds in my company to realize I'd be a real pain in the ass to put up with in a sex dungeon.

Because I'm not staying in your basement for ten years, bro. Ain't nobody got time for that. I'm either gonna murder the shit out of you or die trying. I will either stab you in the face or piss you off so bad that you stab me in the face, but either way, I do not have ten years to hang out with you. I got shit to do.

See, I'm difficult to rape. Because I made up my mind a long time ago that in order for you to rape me, I'm gonna need to be (a) dead, or (b) unconscious. Because as long as I'm conscious, I will not stop fighting you. Tie my hands behind my back, and I will head-butt you and bite your lips off. I don't care how big the gun is you're pointing at my head. When restrained or otherwise attacked, I become like a wild animal. I will bury my teeth in the flesh of your neck and not let go. I'm that bitch. I am a terrible, terrible candidate for your rape. I am not the droid you are looking for.

I don't doubt for a second that Amanda and Gina and Michelle were unwilling captives and sex slaves. All I'm saying is: there is the type of person who can be held captive for ten years, and then there are the Kristens of the world, who will gleefully pop your fucking eyeball out of your skull with my thumb if you let one of my hands free for a few seconds.

I'm not saying I definitely would have escaped. I'm saying I would have escaped or gotten myself killed. Either way, ten years later, my ass would have been long gone.

All of these women were small and appeared defenseless. That's why they were targeted, and that's why women need to be armed with appropriate weapons and trained to use them. All women need to practice situational awareness, not just in high-crime areas but all the time. And all women need to not do dumb shit like getting in cars with strangers.

I've done dumb shit. Once when I was 20 I hitchhiked on the interstate drunk. But that's another blog post. And I survived, by the grace of God. Or maybe because the guy who picked me up realized quickly that I'd be a real pain in the ass to get into the dungeon. I don't know.

But more women need to not be dumb shits, and teach their daughters not to be dumb shits, too. Two of these girls were dumb shits. They got rides from strangers. That doesn't mean they deserved to be raped and kidnapped, hell no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying let's not be dumb shits.

I don't have a daughter yet, but if and when I do she's gonna be packing heat as soon as she's of age, and you best believe, knowing her daddy, she will be trained up like hell in the proper use of any firearm you can think of. I won't raise a victim. I will raise the kind of girl you spend 30 seconds with and know she'd be a real pain in the ass to have in your sex dungeon, if you could even get her there, which you can't because she will shoot you in the face if you try, and then sleep like a baby.

We are a nation of people who conquered the wilderness, or we were. We are all of us the descendants of the toughest. The weak didn't make it over here. Our ancestors battled extreme weather, malnutrition, pissed-off Indians, famine, disease, nature, drought, and the never-ending, ever-brutal life of the New World colonist. They didn't survive all that shit so their stupid descendents could be reduced to quivering gelatinous puddles of tears and fail when a stranger shakes a fist in their direction.

Why can't we get back that attitude? We're Americans. We're badasses. We invented hamburgers and muscle cars and the Second Amendment. You can't keep us in your bullshit basement, you asshole. Give us a chance and we'll stab you in the throat with that screwdriver you accidentally left unattended and feel great about it.

Take, for example, the photo above and at the top of this post. A religious group has been handing out knives to Indian women to help them avoid rape. They're having big time sexual assault problems over there. This is India, people! INDIA! They don't even stab their COWS!

Getting our big American balls back is necessary to the survival of our society. I'm dead serious. Because if we don't start fighting for a civil society, the criminals and thugs are gonna take it. I keep hearing from people who feel they are better Christians than me because they abhor violence and they'd rather die than stab someone in the neck with a screwdriver. Well then. Have fun with that. I know - I'm not guessing, I KNOW - that being a victim of predators is not required of Christians. I'm quite certain that the defense of oneself and others - and ones civilization - is both just and righteous. So get out of my face with that shit. I do not belong to the Lie Back and Take It school of Christianity. Once upon a time Christendom would whup your ass.

I am happy as hell that those women and that little girl made it out alive. God bless 'em all, and may God have mercy on Ariel Castro's soul because he's a soft little nugget and he's gonna have a hell of a time in prison.


  1. one of your best pieces i even laughed at some of it cause of the shit you said which i fully agree with lol.