Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Let's Talk About My Ovaries For Just A Minute

WARNING: This blog post includes references to menstruation and poop, along with foul language and other inappropriatenesses. You've been warned.

Here are some things you need to know about my lady business this month:

1. I totally ovulated.

2. I ovulated on April 11, 2013. This is the first time I've ever ovulated, to my knowledge.

3. I could tell from my temps that I probably ovulated, and then I went in yesterday for a blood test and I came home and I walked around in a circle for a while and then the nurse called and I stopped breathing and she said, "Your progesterone level is good." And I said, "I ovulated?" And she said, "Yup."

4. I feel like throwing a party, which is pretty lame considering ovulation is something most women just do without thinking about it or trying, like having a period and caring about split ends and loving Ryan Gosling. All the things you betches do as a matter of course.

5. But my ovulation was not a matter of course. It was a result of a laparoscopic operation in which holes were burned in my ovaries. That, and a pill called Clomid.

6. Because I am a military spouse and have insurance called Tricare which rules, my Clomid prescription - which includes five pills to be taken on cycle days five through nine - only costs $5 a month. That's $1 per pill, or about twenty-five cents per emotional meltdown.

7. If you read my most recent post, you know that Clomid causes copious amounts of blood to flow from ones vagina in a Cracker Barrel. It also causes one to strongly feel that ones life is worthless and all other humans are being profoundly insensitive to one. It also makes one a raging insane bitch who stops being angry about once every three hours for ones requisite cry.

8. I'm exaggerating a little, but only a little.

9. In any case, it all became worth it when I found out I ovulated. Now that I'm actually ovulating, I probably have just as much chance as anyone to get knocked up. Which is wonderful and fantastic.

10. It also means my Clomid dosage will not be doubled, a possibility I was profoundly dreading, for my sake and my poor husband's.

11. Unfortunately, the Clomid caused a mild case of OHSS: ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. This happens when you not only ovulate, but ovulate HARD, so your abdomen fills with fluid when all the little follicles burst, and you get bloated and sick.

12. In severe cases it's dangerous. In mild cases, like mine, it's annoying. It involves a big bloated belly and - in my case - explosive diarrhea. It's come and gone for about eight days now. It may be a mild case of OHSS, but there is nothing mild about the hemorrhoids I am now sporting.

13. Whenever I start to feel sorry for myself, I look at my BBT (basal body temperature) chart, at the gorgeous red line that means "ovulation day," the line I have never seen on my chart before, and I don't care if I shit like a white trash family after a carnival for days on end. That's why God invented Gatorade.

14. I am now on CD (cycle day) 23, and 5 DPO (days post ovulation). I thought the Army had a lot of acronyms, but when you're TTC (trying to conceive) you find out that everything from cervical mucus to different pregnancy test brands have their own stupid acronyms.

15. For example, if I were to post on a forum (which I don't do, but I'll get to that in a second), "Guess what? This morning I took a home pregnancy test, and wouldn't you know it, I got a positive result!" I don't even know if the forum people would be able to read it. They expect this: "HPT this morning, and omg y'all: BFP!!!"

16. BFP is an acronym meaning "big freakin' positive" and federal law requires you to use it on TTC forums when referring to positive pregnancy results.

17. I google things sometimes and look at the forums, but I do not belong to any, because all that yearning and obsessing is negative energy and I don't need it. If you're into the forums, hey, more power to you. I'm glad somebody does it because it gives me results when I am googling things like "9 dpo sore nipples sulphur farts."

18. That's just a funny example. I've never googled that.*

19. The moral of this story: Clomid made me ovulate pretty hard, and I'm super stoked about it. If this isn't my month, I have five more on this little miracle pill, and at least I know it's working.

20. By the way, until we live in a glorious world where violent mood swings and diarrhea make you feel sexy, Clomid really is irony in a bottle. The pill that makes me ovulate also makes me the least sexually attractive creature on planet earth.

21. But that's my husband's problem, not mine. I make the eggs, he summons up the will to fertilize them. That's the deal.

22. Now for some more Gatorade.

*This is almost certainly a lie.

1 comment:

  1. This blog is missing the best fertility charting acronym, CM: cervical mucous, which it sounds you'll become more acquainted with now that you're ovulating. Super congrats by the way! Does Hallmark make a card for that? They should.