Friday, March 1, 2013

It's 1:47 A.M. So I Guess I Better Watch Some Jurassic Park

I can't sleep.

It's nobody's fault but my own. I need to get out more. I attempted a walk today but one of my surgical incisions has a lump under it that hurts every time I take a step. It's not a "walk it out" kind of pain but a "this is mildly wrong" kind of pain. So I came back home.

Google tells me the lump is normal and will resolve by itself. Google does not tell me, but I know, that surgery is lame.

Jurassic Park is on. This is the part where I talk to you/the TV/myself/the Heavens instead of sleeping.

1. So right now the vegetarian girl-child and her adorable brother are escaping the T-Rex with the help of the dude from Event Horizon. That scene where they're in the Jeep and THEY WON'T FUCKING BE STILL makes me insane to this day. STOP MOVING AROUND, CHILDREN!

2. The scene where the fat guy from "Seinfeld" gets eaten makes me nervous. There's too much happening. The Jeep is stuck and the rain is pouring and the clock is ticking and there's mud everywhere and the sign fell down... It gives me anxiety. And then that damn little bullshit dinosaur pops up.

3. I hate that little bullshit dinosaur with the Farrah Fawcett wings. He's a jerk. He's all, "Look at me, I'm cute! I make cooing noises! Play fetch with me!" and then he kinda creeps up a little closer when you're not looking.. And all the sudden he's bigger... He's invading your space.... Those teeth look really sharp... And then EVIL HISSING SOUND! FARRAH FAWCETT WINGS! POISON SPIT! Game over.

4. I don't like things that creep a little closer when you're not looking. That's what bothers me about the Japanese influence in horror movies. Or, as my dad said after viewing The Ring, "I don't like anything that moves in spurts."

5. My hetero lifemate does this Samara impression that will make you freak your shit. She can do the ghost from The Grudge too. That weird crawly Japanese ghost bullshit with the long fucked-up hair... That makes me stop believing in God for a minute.

6. One time my friend did the Japanese ghost impression and even though I was standing right there and I knew it was her I screamed. I couldn't help it.

7. Back to Jurassic Park. KID, YOU NEED TO MOVE FASTER! THAT JEEP IS ABOUT TO FALL ON YOU! It's time for tough love, Sam Neill.

8. I also hate it when the kid takes his sweet ass time on the electric fence. You know what happens to kids who turn pussy on the electric fence? They get electrocuted. Remember that next time you feel like hanging out up there.

9. I actually like the kids, though. They're cute. All the vegetarian comments annoy me, though.

10. I don't care about your vegetarian evangelism. I will hurt your vegetarian feelings.

11. I was a vegan for 18 months. I was raw vegan for 10 non-consecutive months (first four, then six.) I was very strict for most of that time, although toward the end of each several-month-long raw vegan session I started eating unpasteurized (raw) cheese because I was FUCKING STARVING TO DEATH.

12. I know a lot of people have incredible transcendental Polyphronic Spree-accompanied life-changing experiences with raw food and veganism. I'll tell you what I had: gas. I farted all the time when I was alone, and I clenched my butt all the time when I was in public. Luckily I had my own office or I would possibly have hurt myself.

13. You know what else raw veganism gave me? Unending hunger. I was always hungry. You know why? Because I ate a raw vegan diet. You can't eat enough lettuce and apples to fulfill your body's calorie requirements before you make yourself completely sick from eating so much food. So finally, after obeying all the (conflicting) rules about food combining and meal timing and such, every few days I would go insane with ravenous hunger and stuff handfuls of nuts and bananas and avocadoes into my face. Because CALORIES.

14. I didn't lose weight. I didn't achieve nirvana. I just farted and gazed longingly at cheeseburgers. That was my raw vegan experience.

15. Oh, I even tried to be fruitarian. That lasted about a week. I remember getting in my car at the park-and-ride after work one day and just bursting into tears and sitting there crying for 30 minutes because I DIDN'T HAVE THE ENERGY TO DRIVE THE THREE MILES TO MY HOUSE.

16. I used to read the blog of this raw food wonder-goddess from the UK called Shazzie. She would post pictures of herself glowing and getting thinner and doing yoga. And I was like, "YES. I'm gonna get there." I didn't, though. I didn't get there.

17. So yeah. You go be a raw vegan with your bad self. I will be over here sitting on my fat ass eating cows and chickens. And whatever else wanders by.

18. I'm still trying to find the perfect thing that works for me, which is probably what worked for me when I was younger and kicking ass: a relatively normal diet, with lots of physical activity. Ugh.

19. Samuel L. Jackson just said "Hold onto your butts," with a cigarette in his mouth. Soon he's gonna go out into the shed and get eaten by a velociraptor, but he will thoughtfully leave his arm lying about to surprise and delight Laura Dern.

20. Jeff Goldblum has all the best lines in the first half of the movie, and then he gets a shot of morphine and just hangs out until it's time to go. They even spread a map out on his legs at one point. That would actually be my preferred way to experience Jurassic Park: you kids go out and fuck around with the raptors. I'm gonna stay in here and take opiates. Sure, I'll hold the map.

21. It's pretty badass when the Aussie game warden dude is all chill about getting eaten by a velociraptor. "Clever girl." That's somewhat pimp.

22. I'll say this for Jurassic Park: even today, 20 years later (!!!), the dinosaurs look good. That kinda tells you how much dough they shelled out on this movie. 'Cause for 1993 those dinosaurs were deee-lux.

23. I had a Coke earlier and now my mouth tastes like a squirrel pissed in it.

I'm gonna take some Ibuprofen for my aching head and go to bed, kids. It's 2:25 AM. Laura Dern is in deep shit. And as the sun sinks slowly in the West I bid you a fond adieu.


  1. I have no idea why I'm awake right now. You're gonna think I'm some stalker freak, but all the other good little Christian mommies are asleep dreaming up new ways to knot their Moby Wraps. And I read your blog. I laughed so hard I started coughing. This made me pee my pants a little because I'm super pregnant. So you can tell all your friends to come read this blog post of yours, cuz it's pee-your-pants funny.

  2. You're such a badass in so many different ways.

  3. I stop whatever the fuck I am doing and watch Jurassic Park whenever it's on.