Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Running With Fat


Some thoughts on taking your fat for a jog:

1. Running with fat is way harder than running with scissors. Scissors are extremely light, yo.

2. While I was running, this guy lapped me about five times. He had a super rad hipster beard and an iPod. The last couple times he passed me, he was making a "this is pain" face, breathing with his mouth wide open, and talking to himself. I couldn't make out what he was saying but it was probably "You're a winner."

3. I did over a mile, and 3/4 of it was jogging. I only walked a little, when my lungs were like, "Hey now."

4. I felt pretty good about myself until my husband ran up beside me and was like, "KEEP GOING! C'MON! DON'T QUIT!" I didn't have the wind to say, "I'm not quitting, I'm walking for a minute, damn!" He just kept yelling, so I started to jog again. "YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD GIVE UP FOR LENT? LAZINESS!" he yelled at me as he jogged ahead of me. I didn't have the strength to punch him, or even yell, or protest when he made me do another lap.

5. I want a divorce.

6. He got drill-sergeanted during basic training eleven years ago and now he wants to drill-sergeant me. Well, I'm not having it.

7. I probably am, though.

8. Because, you know what, maybe I need a drill sergeant. Because I fucking suck at drill sergeanting myself. It always starts at night: "Tomorrow! Tomorrow I'm gonna eat NO carbs except lettuce, and I'm gonna drink 12 glasses of water, and I'm gonna do 45 minutes of cardio and 20 minutes of resistance training! Fuck yeah!" And then the next day happens, and I'm like, "I wonder if 'Friends' is on..." And it IS. And my plans don't have a chance.

9. It's really sick that we give up our dreams and goals and our most awesome possible selves not for something important like, I don't know, curing breast cancer or digging an essential canal, but for stupid, pointless shit like TV and naps.

10. I fucking love naps, though, right? They're so good.

11. I haven't taken a nap in a long time. Naps are unnecessary when you sleep til 9 a.m. every day.

12. So my husband is kinda my personal trainer. Which sounds like a terrible idea but so far it's working. Although today as I was headed up the hill to our building, he was trying to get me to keep jogging, and I yelled with the breath I did not have: "FUCK YOU! GET AWAY FROM ME! THIS IS MY COOL-DOWN!"

13. He just kept jogging and talking about how great jogging was until he was too far away for me to hear. He circled around the long way and got to the apartment before I did. I could see him waving, all jaunty and shit.

14. When we walk into the apartment after jogging, it always feels like walking into a Turkish bath. My glasses fog up and we both go, "ugggghhh." And open the patio door as we strip off our jackets and hoodies and shoes and socks.

15. Today we stood on the patio and watched a Chinook helicopter circle our neighborhood a couple times, either on a training jaunt from Camp Shelby or doing some kind of disaster relief for the tornado. I stood in my bare feet on the cold cement as my husband talked about how great jogging was, and how good he felt. "My lungs burn," I said.

16. But as I stood there looking at an incredible blue-white sky, redolent with clouds, the sun lazily falling towards the horizon, I realized I actually felt really good. "I feel really good," I said.

17. It's funny how while you're running, you're 88% sure this is going to kill you. But once you're done and you've caught your breath, you feel 88% more alive than you did sitting on the couch watching "Friends." You feel vital. Vivid. Vigorous. All those v words that mean you're living.

18. On the day that I run, and the day after, I feel less anxious, less worried, stronger, more free. So I think maybe I should do it every day.

19. I'm gonna do it every day. Pretty much every day. For a while. And see what happens. I've tried the being lazy thing, and it didn't work. All I got was fat. So I'm gonna try this for a little while. When I was younger I was very active. During the drill team years, I would bust ass for three or four hours a day. And it was no big deal. Now, 25 minutes hurts. But I need to do it, I think.

20. The only downside - besides the pain, which is a given - is that it makes me want to eat EVERYTHING. I bought my husband some chocolate truffles for V-Day, and I had to eat about 10 of them. I was RAVENOUS, and I wanted SUGAR. Which is bad. Sugar is bad for me, and I usually stay away from it. I'll have to get Drill Sergeant Hatten to hide the candy.

21. Bottom line: I ran longer, and farther, and more, than I thought I possibly could. If you had told me two days ago I could run almost a mile, I would have laughed in your silly face. But I did it. And if I can, you probably can, too.

Take your fat for a run. You'll be glad you did.

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