Sunday, January 13, 2013

I Can't Sleep So I Have A Conversation With A P90X Commercial


I can't sleep because my brain is doing this new thing the past two nights where it won't let my body rest until it is totally exhausted. So here are my brain contents now:

1. Two bags of regular Sleepytime tea is slightly more powerful than one bag of the Sleepytime with valerian. But none are powerful enough to put me the fuck to sleep.

2. I am on some pill to make my uterine lining thicken and it makes me feel like I am going to die any minute 30% of the time.

3. The program you are watching is a paid advertisement.

4. I would love to do P90X but I'm pretty sure I would have a stroke on the first day.

5. I don't ever want to get "ripped." I would love to be in really excellent shape for once, but I don't ever want visible adominable muscles. I think they are manly and gross on ladies.

6. Pretty much, Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies. When she's dancing all slutty in the bedroom. Like, she looks perfectly incredible, right? Nowadays people CRY on Pinterest if their lower belly is slightly curved like that. "Gotta keep doing crunches so I lose this unsightly feminine smooth lower abdomen curve and end up with rigid bunchy ab muscles! Fuck yeah!" Um, ok, The Rock. Have fun with that.

7. This advertisement for P90X is successfully convincing me I need to purchase P90X.

8. Ok, yeah, I definitely need P90X.

9. Actually, you know what, go to hell, P90X. Because there is no way you can "modify" this nonsense. There is no way to "modify" those insane pushups where you clap before you hit the ground. I can MAYBE do 4 of the "I'm a tiny baby girl on my period" pushups where your knees are on the ground, let alone this G.I. Jane bullshit.

10. And dont talk to me about muscle confusion. My muscles are already confused. They're confused as to why they have so much fat covering them. "I used to be First Lieutenant of the fucking DRILL TEAM!" they are saying. "I used to walk the Duck Creek Hike & Bike Trail in the middle of the SUMMER! Over 4 miles every day through the hot hot heat! What happened?!"

11. College happened, okay. Yeah, we would occasionally inadvertently jog or climb a hill or something, but mostly we smoked pot and watched Oliver Stone movies. For three and a half years. And once it became apparent that doing so little could be so fun, lard was the result.

12. I haven't been in passable shape since I was like 23. God, that is sad.

13. Just once in my life I'd like to be, not just like, "You probably won't die before you turn 50" good shape, but like, "Wow, she's in really good shape" good shape. Just for like five minutes.

14. What possessed these assholes to videotape themselves doing P90X? There are 21 people in the United States who don't look retarded doing P90X, and they're the people in the videos.

15. I am about 85% sure I will never do a pullup. I have the upper body strength of a baby rabbit.

16. Isn't it fun when the fat "Before" people are smaller than you? Go to hell and die, P90X.

17. Okay, so this guy lost 66 lbs. on his first round, 60 lbs. on the second and third. He's lost 188 lbs. in 5 rounds. He looks like a crunchy snack for his former self. So now... yeah. I want to buy P90X again.

18. Who's gonna buy me P90X? I swear I'll do it if you buy it for me. Yes, I'm talking to you... Santa?

19. Truly, ripped abs are the best accessory for your barbed wire and kanji tats, dude.

20. Interlude: I can hear my husband snoring in the bedroom. It's such a comforting sound. I know some ladies get annoyed by it, but it actually helps me go to sleep sometimes.

21. I am doing P90X. I'm totally serious. I'm buying it for myself asap. I'm convinced. These jerks in their tight moisture-wicking shirts have spoken to my soul. These beeotches in their sports bras and hot pants have whispered to my secret hidden inner badass.

22. I'm actually serious. I'm gonna do P90X.

Now that I've made a serious life decision I'm sure going to sleep will be sooo much easier. I'm sure I won't lie awake thinking of how I'm going to justify spending $120 on a workout video, and where I'm going to buy my tight moisture-wicking tanks (Old Navy? Academy?), and how many mini-strokes I'm going to have in those 90 days.

I'm guessing 12. Care to make it interesting?

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