When I found out Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton would be the presidential nominees, I quit the Internet. I don't just mean social media. I mean everything.
In the year preceding this decision, I was immersed in the young, up-and-coming, secular prolife movement. We were getting unprecedented media attention, which is a good thing. But many of these millennial-led groups are starting to resemble SJW organizations to an alarming extent.
I thought I was inoculated against progressive thought. Being raised in public schools and missing a father for most of my childhood, I grew up a default liberal. Finally living on my own in my twenties – no family, no roommates – made me rethink my leftist leanings. Watching Pelosi, et al., ram through Obamacare made me question the loving benevolence of Obama's Democrat party. Reading, thinking, and conversing made me -- eventually -- reevaluate and change my beliefs.
But I started, very subtly, to drift left again. It happened so gradually I didn't realize it was happening. I thought I was just becoming more “libertarian.”
Maybe immigration isn't so bad. Maybe the Pope isn't totally full of shit. Maybe there is a reason to feel compassion for the Syrian refugees. Maybe we do sort of live in a rape culture. Sure, I can buy the idea of a patriarchy. I see man-spreading all the time.
I despised Trump. I also knew nothing about him. In a shameful reprisal of my mid-twenties idiocy, I formed an opinion about a candidate without doing a shred of research. I noticed he traded up for a younger, hotter wife every couple decades; said crude and loutish things; maybe grabbed a pussy. This was all the information I had when I decided he was dead to me.
Though I was dumb enough to drop out of political discourse for the most important election in American history (yes, I believe this), I was at least smart enough to know I was dumb. I had made myself a low-information voter, and those people should not vote. So I didn't vote.
The morning after the election, I woke from a nightmare that Clinton had been elected. I took a deep breath and, after many months, I un-quit the Internet. Drudge Report was my first visit, and the headline read: “LET THE PEOPLE RULE,” under a photo of the new president-elect, Donald Trump. I was so relieved I almost cried.
The truth is in us somewhere, even when it's so inconvenient that we do our best to shut it out.
For the next few weeks I made up for lost time, devouring every story on the professional malcontents shouting in the streets, setting their own cities on fire in their dumb, impotent rage against the machine that betrayed them. I watched them deface the statue of Joan of Arc in New Orleans and scrawl DIE WHITES DIE across a marble facade in Jackson Square. I watched a #feministwarriorgoddess take a crap in the street so she could smear it on a Trump sign. I watched, in short, the death throes of the monster Hillary failed to muster.
I went to campus and heard my professors refer to the “shocking” results either coyly or openly – as in one literature prof, a recent transplant from Massachusetts, who said we were headed for “Trumpsylvania.” I heard students having breathless conversations about the racism, xenophobia, homophobia, transphobia, Islamophobia, and bigotry of Trump supporters. In a school where whites are the minority, and Asians – especially Indians – the majority, the only people I heard bitching were whites.
The president of the college sent an email to every student in which he lamented an increase in “acts of intolerance” and pledged his commitment to diversity on campus. I replied telling him the only intolerant acts I was aware of were biased statements about Trump supporters made by professors and students. Nevertheless, I told him, I support their right to speak freely, as we should support that right for everyone. I'm still waiting for a response.
I saw people on YouTube tearfully promising to defend minorities and gays from... something? I'm still not sure what. Apparently there was a Trump speech we all missed where he promised to put queers in death camps and burn all brown people alive. Or maybe it's Trump supporters that are the violent menace? Weird, because it seems like the anti-Trumpers are always the ones starting shit.
When a lone asshole stood up on a plane and made people listen to his dumb pro-Trump diatribe, it was everywhere, picked up by several major news outlets. Funny, I was not inundated with stories on the dozens upon dozens – maybe hundreds – of instances in which Trump supporters were harassed, attacked, beaten, threatened, and stolen from. And these were not lone assholes. Almost without exception, those doing the violence were mobs, because that is how these people operate. Progressivism is by nature a mob mentality, and we live in a time when mob violence is seen as an appropriate response to conservative ideas.
|My, what a cogent argument you have.|
The past few weeks have opened my eyes. And while I enjoyed my time off social media, I almost regret disengaging – almost. It needed to happen. I needed a palate cleanser so that I could really taste the hate.
My one regret is that I didn't discover, when it really mattered, the power and the glory of Donald Trump. The first thing I did when I discovered he would be our new president was start watching his speeches. The Internet was screaming that at me that he was the worst person on earth. I went on a quest to find his racist, misogynist, bigoted statements, and I began with Ann Coulter's recommendation – I do everything Ann Coulter tells me to do, and so should you – to read the transcript of his speech after the mass murder of gay Americans by an Islamic terrorist in Orlando. I sat on campus in a patch of sunlight behind a tree with tears streaming down my face. Here, finally, was a presidential candidate with the balls to call Islamic terrorism by name. He said – just as he said when he accepted the party's nomination – that he would defend LGBTQ people from this existential threat.
That is America, for those of you who forgot. Having nothing to do with someone's particular choice, and being committed with all your heart and soul to defending it. I remember this from my childhood in the Reagan years. It was a very popular sentiment: "I may not agree with what you say, but I'll fight for your right to say it." That is quintessential Americanism -- or it was. Another popular motto we were taught as children was: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Today, we are told, "I may not agree with what you say, so stop saying it immediately or I will have you banned/run to a safe space/riot in the streets." We are also told, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words I disagree with are hate speech that literally harms me."
Of course, the LGBTQ community rejected Trump in large numbers, because kids hate their dads. This is why most of young America rejected Trump. He is your lame old dad who plays golf and has dinner with men in suits and says embarrassing shit in front of your friends and is so GROSS. When Donald Trump became the first and only political candidate to boldly, unequivocally say he was going to protect them from the only true menace facing gays in America, gays said, “Eww.” And turned away.
It doesn't matter to Trump. He is your dad. He doesn't need you to like him. He is going to protect you anyway, because that's his job. And while you bitch and moan and wear safety pins and have cringe-fests about all the imaginary white frat boys lurking around every corner to beat you with baseball bats, he will be busy saving your dumb gay lives from the actual enemies you refuse to acknowledge because you have been indoctrinated by the PC movement to prefer being tolerant to being alive. You are probably too stupid to ever notice what Trump will do for you, let alone thank him. But he will do it, anyway, and you won't even get him an ugly tie on Father's Day.
It's the same for women. Women rejected Trump because he grabbed a pussy. Ladies, allow me to let you in on a little secret: if we get rid of the lust of Western men, we are going to be very sorry. A culture in which men violently suppress their lust is Saudi Arabia. Western men still know how to worship women. They think you're beautiful. Sometimes it comes out a little rough. Learn to overlook it, because the patriarchy is your friend.
Most of you feminists already know this, deep down in your black little hearts. Most of you spend all your time bitching on Facebook in a dwelling paid for by a dude. Most of you are going to college on some dude's dime – usually Daddy's – and being taught by your feminist professors to hate said Daddy. (If you don't have a Daddy, you are probably relying on the government, the Ultimate Daddy.) Meanwhile, the very fact that you can attend a university safely, walk around in short shorts drinking Frappucinos without a care in the world, is because while you're doing that, Evil Mean Straight White Dudes are fighting the actual bad guys. If you're glad you don't have to wear a burqa on pain of death, thank the patriarchy.
(Please don't say women aren't safe on campus. They are. Campus rape culture is a myth.)
Modern feminism, for all its “sex positivity,” is the new Puritanism. Have you ever heard of anything less sexy than “affirmative consent?” Now, on campus, all sex is rape unless it begins with a “sober verbal yes.” Only an ideology as cynical as feminism could suck all the mystery out of sex. Nothing kills libido like explicit permission. The best sex is a little bit dangerous, and if you don't agree, you're either lying or you've never had good sex.
Go back and read the transcript of Trump's “grab 'em by the pussy” statement. In the sentence before he says that, he says this:
“They let you do it.”
That, my friends, is called consent.
Since Trump was elected, every time some pretentious twat has said, “I want women/minorities/gays to know they are safe with me,” a demon has gotten its horns. This type of melodramatic virtue-signaling is what has made half of America an insufferable PC shithole.
I didn't grow up in this America. Even up until about 2006, I was allowed to make fun of black people, trannies, fags, Mexicans, and white trash in my sketch comedy. Now only one of those is allowed. (Guess which one?!) Words like “racist” and “bigot” have been emptied of their meaning. Those words used to be reserved for actual hate. Now they get thrown at you for just about anything. It is now racist to touch a black person's hair. I thought that was just rude. It is racist to makes comedy that points out that races are different – unless of course you are not white, in which case it is fine.
|That's me on your left, in a sketch called Black Ghost Hunters. It is hilarious.|
The good news is, of course, the Law of Diminishing Returns. They've used these terms too many times, and now they mean nothing. They have cried wolf. You don't have to be scared or ashamed anymore when someone hurls “racist” at you. In fact, smile to yourself, and know they have lost the argument.
You may be worried less about losing an argument, and more about losing your job or friends or social status. This is a legitimate concern. Everyone has heard a story about someone getting turned over to the thought police for expressing a dangerous opinion, resulting in getting sacked, dumped, ostracized, or ridiculed. The only way to end this madness is for each one of us to ignore the threat and exercise our right to free speech. We have to be balls-out for the First Amendment at all times.
And this is the part where I call out to right-wingers of all stripes. I want you to start using comedy in the fight to take back our culture and thereby make America great again. One thing I haven't heard discussed yet about Trump's “inexplicable” victory is the fact that he's funny. This is YUGE, and we should recognize it. Sometimes his jokes came across as lame or rude, but sometimes his timing was spot-on. When was the last time a presidential candidate made you laugh? Made you feel good? Made you feel like you were in the presence of a real man, warts and all -- not just a party line in a suit?
In the past year-and-a-half – which I am just now catching up on, unfortunately – the right wing has been made over by Trump and his supporters. There are the regular folks from flyover country, God bless 'em, and then there are the trolls. I don't just mean 4chan and the dreaded alt-right. I also mean cultural infiltrators like Milo Yiannapoulos, Gavin McInnes, and of course the Emperor-Goddess of Light, Ann Coulter. These people are not just wicked smart, they are funny. They are subversive. They don't toe the party line. They say the shit no one else has the balls to say. And they do it with style.
That is why I am declaring 2017 the Year of the Troll.
But, you might be saying, wasn't that 2016? Isn't it over? My friends, it is just beginning.
There will be a backlash, and it won't be pretty. In academia, the media, major cities, and everywhere the elite congregate, these denizens of the Bubble will double down. Not only do they not get you, they don't want to. There has been no sincere effort to understand who you are and why you elected The D, and there will be none. Their New York Times-driven hive-brain is telling them you are a stupid backwoods rube with no conscience who must be defeated for your own good.
Look at the pathetic antics of Jill Stein. Look at the haters harumphing over Trump's two pre-inaugural victories: keeping both Ford and Carrier from leaving the country. Look how they scoff at the idea of building a wall. (Trump's best idea thus far, and the #1 reason he was elected.) There will be pushback against every move, political and cultural, toward repairing and renewing America. We have to be prepared to combat it, not with earnest Cruzian evangelizing and Facebook posts featuring bald eagles and waving flags and Bible verses, but with humor. Dissidence. Mischief. Trolling.
Don't bother trying to shout them down. Mock them. Use satire. Ridicule them. Parody them. Hold up a mirror to their ridiculousness, their melodrama, ignorance, and hypocrisy. Have we learned nothing from the enemy? Stewart and Colbert played a huge role in getting Obama elected. They made him cool by flippantly mocking his opponents.
Come to think of it: have we learned nothing from our own side? Internet trolls helped fuel the countercultural swell that elected Trump.
The leftists are the new Puritans. They are the sniveling, humorless losers. They are the ones with long lists of thou-shalts and shalt-nots. They are the crybabies with hurt feelings. We are in a new place, conservatives. We are the cool ones. We are the rebels, the mischief-makers, the counterculture. Let's act like it.
Get out there. Be a dissident. Be an asshole. Say what no one else has the balls to say. Tell the truth even if it's offensive. This is how we will destroy political correctness. This is how we will get America back.